Is there a God?

In the end, I had to admit that there were things that were beyond me. So I went looking for my faith again. I had never believed in any God. But in a desperate and shattered body, soul and mind, I went to an icon where I hope that God could be found - Church.

It has been years since I stepped into a Church. I went but couldn't enter. When I knelt I felt I gave a certain part of myself away. Placed myself in the hands of some other greater self. It was one of the hardest thing to do.

I spoke earnestly to God, not Jesus and all his saints, not to any of the written word. I had to submit and admit that there was nothing I could do and asked for help. Not to remove the pain, not to make things the way it was, but to help me find the courage to walk my trials of fire and in anyway to help her walk her own trials.

Perhaps she questions the existance of God. I mean, I'd ask if there is a God who took away my loved one. What kind of lesson is God trying to teach? It must certainly seem utterly unfair. Yet, as another soul in pain, I asked God to provide her the strength in the hard days ahead.

I felt an immense load being lifted off my shoulders as I knelt there and pray. Perhaps its God's work, perhaps its me admitting there were things that are beyond me.