Bit by bit I walk on

I have been feeling bad. Still I try to do things bit by bit. Someone told me, just let go, why hold on to the pain?

Do they think I want the pain? I can't just let go, push it aside and get on with life. People think grief is like a switch. "Okay, so it's over, move on!" Many think that its only within a certain period of time. Like grief has an expiry date or something.

BUT IT IS NOT!

Some days, when the intensity is little. I feel okay. Other times, triggered by things, people or events, the intensity can be crushing. My heart feels like some vice squeezing it. A lump in my throat. My eyes brims with tears. I feel like curling up into a ball. It hurts and all of a sudden I feel alone.

But chewyi, this is not new to you!?! Yeah! I remember now, it is the similar feeling when I get depression. Not the anxiety depression ones, but the ones that destroys my spirit. The 4 years in Perth. I remember the times in which during lecture or tutorial, I would walk out, go to my car, curl up in pain; crying out for DA. The despair and hurt. It'll hurt until I felt numb. Cry until there are no more tears.

So, Chewyi, remember the pain. You've been through it and experienced even stronger and more paralyzing pain.

It will become more bearable. It goes into the background, lingering, while I pick up the pieces of myself and stumble forward.

Remember the pain.