I thought I had moved on

It gives me no pleasure to have the pain revisit me. It comes again this time when I have an appointment with Dr C. For me, the raw reality of seeing her suffer such a loss is too much for me to address honestly and fully. It demands vulnerability - the admission of weakness, dependence and the fear that I've come to the end of my rope.

That may be one of the reasons why I have decided to make the next appointment, the last. I am trying to skirt it and give excuses like: I don't want the relationship to be another Dr A saga. I fear I am getting too involved, too sensitive. I am running away as quickly as I can.

Be honest YY, will stopping therapy deal with my own grief. I have been avoiding the subject of how death has affected me because I care so much for Dr C. (Is this normal?) I have been hiding, talking around it, postpone the appointment, pretending that everything is as per norm.

The pain, the grief will never go away. I realised that it'll be like a scar, it may fade with time but it'll always be there. I think that unless it's met head on and allowed to run its course, it will never be allowed to heal. Every loss is different, the time it takes will vary with every person.

Life goes on for everyone, people initially felt sad about the destruction of the tsunamis. They are sympathetic and moved at first, but after a while even KW and BK grew tired of hearing me talk about it and I feel guilty that I am still struggling sometimes.

I feel that I need to move on and resume the pace at work, at home, and with friends. Once or twice a week, I still sit at the balcony unable to sleep, waiting for the sunrise. Other times, out of the blue, I'd feel a stab of pain. It's a bit dangerous when it happens while I am driving. Sometimes, it happens when I dine out with friends or family. A quote taken from the Internet:
"After all grief is the innate urge to go on loving someone who is no longer there, and to be loved back. And insofar as we hold ourselves back (or allow someone else to hold us back) from bringing this urge to expression, we will remain frustrated, and we will never heal."

On my own, I had to replay the pain in my mind. Had to face it, I tell you, it bloody hurts and each time I replay it, I feel so much pain and I want to retreat from the terrible sadness. There was only one way: To submit to grief and ride the roller coaster of emotions.

Like depression, I have to embrace it and make it a part of me. The need for humility. That I am helpless and hope to find strength within myself to hold on. I need to find other things to do, to force myself to keep walking. Taking up a course which requires me to visit the library is good as I love reading. Getting in shape by engaging a PT at the gym.

The feelings of lost has magnified my loneliness. It's so lonely especially during the weekends that I am visited by my old friend, "Depression". Never had I felt the urge to find a boyfriend. Pangs of isolation even amongst friends and family. Maybe I just need someone there to hold me while I cry - sometimes. Just maybe.